The Best Ways to Respond to DARVO

What does 'DARVO' mean?

DARVO is an acronym that stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." It refers to a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their actions. Rather than accept responsibility for the wrongdoing, the perpetrator will:

• Deny the behavior occurred
• Attack the victim for attempting to hold them accountable
• Claim that they, the perpetrator, are actually the victim in the situation.
  In short, it's a tactic used to deflect blame and gaslight victims.

The best 3 ways to respond to DARVO

1. Stand firm in your position. Do not let their manipulations shake your confidence in the truth. Calmly reiterate the facts of what happened.
2. Call out the specific tactics being used. Label them as denal, attacks, and reversal of victim/offender. This makes their manipulations less effective.
3. Do not engage or escalate the argument. Remain detached from their provocations and accusations. Say something like "I'm going to remove myself from this conversation." Leave if possible.

What are the considerations when responding to DARVO

Some things to keep in mind:

• Do not expect accountability. Sadly, DARVO perpetrators are typically unwilling to accept responsibility, even when confronted with the facts. Your goal should be to stand up for yourself, not get them to own up to their actions.
• Take care of yourself. Responding to and being subject to DARVO can be emotionally exhausting and traumatizing. Make sure to practice self-care.
• You may need outside support. If in a relationship with someone using DARVO, consider involving a counselor or domestic abuse help center. You do not have to deal with this alone.
• Be firm in the truth of your experiences. Do not let their tactics manipulate you into questioning your own judgment or memories. Trust yourself.
• Consider limiting contact if possible. Repeat exposure to DARVO can seriously undermine your mental and emotional well-being over time. Create distance if able.

Other specific cases of DARVO

Case 1: Your partner betrayed your trust but claims you just misunderstood the situation. They say they would never do something to hurt you on purpose. This is DARVO. Respond: "I know what I experienced and will not engage further." Leave the room if needed.
Case 2: Your boss failed to give you proper credit for your work. When you addressed it with them, they accused you of being selfish and only caring about advancement. This is DARVO. Say: "I will have to disagree with your assessment. I addressed this issue professionally and objectively."
Case 3: A former friend refuses to take responsibility for stealing from you. Instead, they claim you always excluded and mistreated them, forcing them into that situation. This is DARVO. Do not engage, do not try to reason with them. Remove yourself and limit further contact.
The specific situations may differ but the tactics remain the same. Respond with confidence in your own experiences, call out the manipulations being used, set clear boundaries, and prioritize self-care. Do not expect the perpetrator to change but you can still stand up for yourself during the process.

Summary

In summary, the most effective ways to respond to DARVO are:

1. Remain calm and detached. Do not engage or escalate arguments.
2. Firmly stand up for the truth of your experiences without needing to convince the perpetrator.
3. Label the specific tactics being used (deny, attack, reverse victim/offender)
4. Set clear boundaries to protect yourself which may include limiting contact.
5. Seek outside support. You do not have to deal with such manipulations alone.
6. Prioritize self-care.